a little reminder

Dear Andrew,

You are an amazing person. I think that you've finally found what you NEED in a man...And I am proud to tell you that he is out there and exists. You have so much to give in a relationship, but you know that there are some things that you need to work on too...but, you're conscious of them...no one is perfect- and the first step to fixing them, is admitting it to yourself.
You've learned from your mistakes, and you know that you're not going to settle for anything less than what you deserve. You do not credit anyone in helping you with this discovery. If anything, you have taught that to yourself, proudly not giving credit for such an amazing concept to ANYONE but yourself.
You have a beautiful smile, eyes, and such an amazing personality. Sometimes I think that you give too much, while the little things are the things that you need to work on. You've got the OVERALL picture, now just take a step back from it all, and work on the frameworks. You're goofy, yet you have a very mature/professional side to you. Your career motivation is going to get you very far in life. And I know that you're not going to settle for anything less. You know what you want- and although there are a lot of obstacles; and there will always be- you will not settle until everything is in its right place.
Good luck, Andrew- and I look forward to seeing you in NYC a year from now.
Sincerely, and respectfully,
The Perfectly Content You.

crazy is perfect, and fucked up is perfect, so why wasn't i perfect?

it's 3 am. i am tired.

things to dwell on (or not)

not everyone is fixable.
some people are incapable of vulnerability.
i am very capable and sometimes wish i wasn't.
next to normal has lyrics for every emotion.
they help me survive the summer.
my friends are my base and without them i would die.
i was never in your base, nor will i probably ever be.
when choosing between public or intimate affirmation:
i will always choose intimate.
you will always choose public.
i miss the way you smell.
i miss the way you laugh.
seeing you last weekend was harder than i thought.
i cried.
you didn't.
i might have picked up smoking because of you.


"give me pain if that's what's real, its the price we pay to feel. the price of love is loss, but still we pay, we love anyway."

Hair growth creates for a new found feeling of self esteem

it's true everyone. The Hawk is gone. it has been a long, cumbersome journey, but i, andrew stam, can safely say,

"i will have normal hair for the next five months (i hope)."

*sigh of relief* the process has been tough, as i mentioned before. i've gone from Super Hawk to Baby Hawk, and am just now coming out of the "awkward stage" of Mohawk recovery, Nearly Bald. unfortunately that stage lasted throughout the run of Othello, in which i performed. shit.

such is life.

however, in other news, i am currently in rehearsals for another play, Women and Wallace. i play wallace, the sort of socially awkward boy who is unable to keep a stable, long lasting relationship with any woman, not even his mother (there's a reason for that).

this play, however, requires me to do a bit of growing up on my part. i have several stage kisses in this show including a make out/sex scene or two...

with women. shit.

we'll see how that turns out. :$

school starts back up on wednesday, so at 9 o'clock tomorrow--well today i guess, i'll be heading back up to the oh. so. exciting. Orange City.

but before that happens, i need to get some homework done...asta luego.

abs.

ring the bell, ring the bell for solomon snell. too much trust is the road to hell

you've got me blinded in this darkest night...

this past week me and the rest of the cast of "terror texts" a scary goth rock musical based on 6 gruesome old testament bible stories, packed up our set, lights, and costumes and hit the road to lawrence, kansas to revive our show at the KCACTF region V festival. the week was filled with performances and workshops that helped me grow as a dancer, singer, and actor. Then came thursday, the scariest day of my life. our performance. the day consisted of set up, run through, performance, and take down. starting at 7 am until 12 am with only 1 hour for lunch. needless to say, the set up was frustrating and the run through was sloppy and un-energetic. the show felt like a failure. but we still had a performance for the entire festival to witness. i put on my costume and makeup and sat in the green room shaking. places were called and i went back stage and saw a glimpse of the audience, all 1,200ish of them and broke down. i was shaking, i was second guessing my lines and dance moves. everyone told me i was going to be fine, but i didn't believe it. finally, i went and sat in the corner while the overture began to play and the fog began to rise, and cried. like hard. my makeup was soaking wet and running down my face (not that anyone could notice anyway it was supposed to look smeared). there were 1,200ish people sitting in the audience, chanting, stomping, clapping for a show they new nothing about. all they knew was that it was a twisted, unorthodox biblical rock musical. what if it sucked? what if they hated it? what if i screw up? what if my voice gives out? what if i am just not good enough? i had already had the worst run-through less than an hour earlier and had no energy left for a performance. finally, the band finished playing the overture and the audience went crazy. still crying i took my place and prepared for the opening number. i was trembling. then in the corner of my eye, i saw my older sister sitting house left. then suddenly "die vampire, die" began to play out in my head. susan blackwell was was literally giving me a pep talk through the song while master of ceremonies was giving the opening monologue.then the curtain rose and i took my "war" stance.

"You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!"

the music was increasing in volume, the drums were drumming harder and louder, the master of ceremonies was wheeling his dilapidated wheelchair into position and it was time, vampire, it was time. i ran out and screamed "WAR, FEAR, LIES" (the opening words to the song "prepare yourself") and gave one of the most emotional filled performances of my life. after the opening number i didn't know if i had the strength to finish the show, i danced and sang so hard. but i did.

i sang the final number of act 1 "devastate me" as Achan, and when the lights went out i cried even though my lungs were swelling and burning.

in act 2 i gave my screamo solo "belial" and then proceeded to cry during curtain call. the entire auditorium was jumping up and down. i had people shaking my hand throughout the rest of the week, telling me how much the enjoyed the show, especially my performance.

thank you, [title of show]. your strength throughout this year has been an inspiration, and you all gave me the strength to perform a show that had as big of a chance to fly as it did to fail.

but boy did it fly. "clear up to the sky, way up to the sky." (sorry, quoting "the diviners")

thank you thank you thank you.

www.myspace.com/terrortexsthemusical

painkillers & sewing machines

Yesterday morning I made the drive to Ottumwa with my mother to engage in what would be the lowest point of my Christmas holiday, the removal of my slightly impacted wisdom teeth. I was given a tube of oxygen over my nose, a rubber block placed in my mouth, and a shot of sleepiness. My memory begin with the nurse helping me to a bed of some sort next to a few other patients. However, I faintly remember singing (or attempting to sing) "don't cry for me argentina" to the nurse, until she told me to shut my mouth and hum the song instead to stop the blood flow. The rest of the day was filled with painkillers, gauze, movies, and plenty of mashed potatoes. Today I am doing much better but still have trouble consuming food at the pace I generally eat.

Today, after waking up at noon, after working in the greenhouse until five, I went to the attic and dug out my mothers old sewing maching. After successfully rigging it up full of thread, I began sewing braclets made of old ties. Once again, a desperate attempt to be creative during an overly long holiday.

enjoy this friggin awesome version of pasek and paul's ready to be loved. go michigan.

ABS out.

space heaters and imovie

Well, christmas and new years have come and gone, but the holiday break still drags on which includes greenhouse work and attempts of creative expression. Although i have no visible work evidence i do have proof that creativity and boredom go hand in hand over the holidays.

Stop-Motion Animation

[Fun on the Farm]



[Recreational Activities: EPIC FAIL]


Yeah...some of us need a better creative outlet.

If those aren't good enough for my gentle readers, you'll be happy to know that I cleaned up a room in my parents basement. Although previously frigid and bland, it has been transformed into an atmospheric treasure, perfect for those days when i have nothing but a brush in hand and a twisted image in mind.

I guess this is when i sum up the holidays: pretty much i rock at animation and basement cleaning, my room is still a mess, seven pounds is a crappy movie, PC drill team rocks, and the school itself still sucks.