you've got me blinded in this darkest night...

this past week me and the rest of the cast of "terror texts" a scary goth rock musical based on 6 gruesome old testament bible stories, packed up our set, lights, and costumes and hit the road to lawrence, kansas to revive our show at the KCACTF region V festival. the week was filled with performances and workshops that helped me grow as a dancer, singer, and actor. Then came thursday, the scariest day of my life. our performance. the day consisted of set up, run through, performance, and take down. starting at 7 am until 12 am with only 1 hour for lunch. needless to say, the set up was frustrating and the run through was sloppy and un-energetic. the show felt like a failure. but we still had a performance for the entire festival to witness. i put on my costume and makeup and sat in the green room shaking. places were called and i went back stage and saw a glimpse of the audience, all 1,200ish of them and broke down. i was shaking, i was second guessing my lines and dance moves. everyone told me i was going to be fine, but i didn't believe it. finally, i went and sat in the corner while the overture began to play and the fog began to rise, and cried. like hard. my makeup was soaking wet and running down my face (not that anyone could notice anyway it was supposed to look smeared). there were 1,200ish people sitting in the audience, chanting, stomping, clapping for a show they new nothing about. all they knew was that it was a twisted, unorthodox biblical rock musical. what if it sucked? what if they hated it? what if i screw up? what if my voice gives out? what if i am just not good enough? i had already had the worst run-through less than an hour earlier and had no energy left for a performance. finally, the band finished playing the overture and the audience went crazy. still crying i took my place and prepared for the opening number. i was trembling. then in the corner of my eye, i saw my older sister sitting house left. then suddenly "die vampire, die" began to play out in my head. susan blackwell was was literally giving me a pep talk through the song while master of ceremonies was giving the opening monologue.then the curtain rose and i took my "war" stance.

"You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!"

the music was increasing in volume, the drums were drumming harder and louder, the master of ceremonies was wheeling his dilapidated wheelchair into position and it was time, vampire, it was time. i ran out and screamed "WAR, FEAR, LIES" (the opening words to the song "prepare yourself") and gave one of the most emotional filled performances of my life. after the opening number i didn't know if i had the strength to finish the show, i danced and sang so hard. but i did.

i sang the final number of act 1 "devastate me" as Achan, and when the lights went out i cried even though my lungs were swelling and burning.

in act 2 i gave my screamo solo "belial" and then proceeded to cry during curtain call. the entire auditorium was jumping up and down. i had people shaking my hand throughout the rest of the week, telling me how much the enjoyed the show, especially my performance.

thank you, [title of show]. your strength throughout this year has been an inspiration, and you all gave me the strength to perform a show that had as big of a chance to fly as it did to fail.

but boy did it fly. "clear up to the sky, way up to the sky." (sorry, quoting "the diviners")

thank you thank you thank you.

www.myspace.com/terrortexsthemusical