Finally, forever and ever.

I'm here. I'm typing--typing in a radical passionate outrage of some kind. In the next few minutes I may say things I regret, but right now-this fraction of a moment-I feel as though the secrets of the world are bottled up inside of me. They're deep inside my core and any minute now they might disappear forever. If I don't expel them now, I may die. We might all die.

I cried. Yes, I cried today. I don't know what it was and I don't know if I will ever feel this way again. Perhaps it's the Luminous Sleep Spirit. He's angry that I've ignored his wishes for two consecutive nights and has come to claim my sanity. I'm merely saying it's a possibility. Anything is possible at this point...anything is possible.

I'm awake! Finally, forever and ever.

My mind is full. They say they can't contain anything more, the boxes are stacked to the ceiling. It keeps coming--boxes of academic bullshit about anti-Semitism and clusterfuck bags of Historical Revisionism theories and quandaries pertaining to sexually questionable Shakespearean characters. Thankfully, I've given up on my mind long ago. It will empty out and reorganize in time. It always does.

But my heart, err soul... Yes, the cliche and disgustingly empathetic vision of my spirit. Yes, that--it hurts. Have I been ignorant for so long?

I'm awake! Finally, forever and ever.

I can't articulate anything at this point. Everything is a mixy-matchy of words and metaphors and feelings and unanswerable questions. I can't spit them out individually. So either I puke them out all at once or say nothing. Screaming out and tearing up are the only ways I can communicate. All I know is that I'm awake...awake. I can no longer fuck around ignoring my innate responsibility.

Perhaps it's my recent theatrical purgation. Perhaps it's because I've reached the conclusion of my Sociology class. Perhaps it's the fact that Awake my Soul is playing on my stereo and the volume level is at 35. Perhaps Mr. Mumford and his sons are trying to tell me something. Perhaps it's that asshole of a God I refuse to acknowledge? Perhaps he's finally grabbing me by the bow-tie and shouting in my face, Wake up you fucker! Wake up and help!

I'm stuck in this kind of fucking strange fucktrap. Yes, a fucktrap. This fucktrap keeps me from making a change, but this fucktrap also keeps me safe. I'm surrounded by seven billion idiots who don't know left from right. I don't know up from down. I'm surrounded, yet I can't seem to find anybody. These idiots walk around searching for a sign, something that will never come. Then they die. I don't want to be an idiot. I don't want to die. I don't want to be alone...more than I already am.

We are all born and someday we'll all die. Most likely to some degree alone. What if our aloneness isn't a tragedy? What if our aloneness is what allows us to speak the truth without being afraid? What if our aloneness is what allows us to adventure - to experience the world as a dynamic presence - as a changeable interactive theory?

I want to be alone, but I'm afraid. Can I ostracized myself from Olympia? Can I leave the ignorant realm of the gods and bring others an equivalent sensation of happiness?

They are us. We are them.

Fuck.